insignificant paradox 

Its six o clock in a morning. Its a Monday morning. I havent gone to bed, Im not tired what so ever. I feel too much, too much of life its too much. Thats is mentally impossible for me. These two conversations killed me today, inside. I have no clue what to feel, what to say and how to get on with it. I just simply do not know. I cant even put that in some practically intelligent and readable words what I am feeling now and how hard everything seems to be. I cried way too much this week, I did not even knew that I am capable of a fucking waterfall of tears. Firstly, I miss my friends, secondly I am having some kind of emotional breakdown and I am not good enough to actually deal with it. I am normally not like that. I keep everything I can inside, and outside I am all happy and optimistic and I do try to enjoy the life. And then these weeks and weeks of being bloody miserable come along and destroy everything I just build. Just like a house of goddamn cards, puff and its not a ground, thats me one of the cards. I was strong, I was. And I want it back, Im sick and tired of this mood and things I can not get use to. I need to learn how to stop being so anxious about everything with pulse, everything that moves. For fuck sake girl, get a life and stop worrying about little things.

How is that possible to have *whatever* feeling for three people, yes THREE. how the fuck I manage to do that. When Im talking to K. I actually mean everything I say and He mean so much to me, even though Ive seen him maybe twice in my life. But all of those lovely conversations twenty four seven. All of those little chats, all of those simply perfect moments when tears were falling from my eyes just because I was so happy that someone truly loves me? Then I fucked up, over dosed and made an enormous mistake, the most stupid thing I have done in my life. Eventually I stopped talking to Him, which is even worse. And yes, I am one of those people who ran away when they get too into the person. I can not trust anyone properly, and I am probably never going to be able to do so. Problem is I do love Him, even though its just words. They dont mean anything, but I feel it? I suppose.

Then J. devastated me today, and I feel so guilty. I have to stop hurting people. I have to stop being such a selfish bitch. I do not even know how to put it in words, this conversation. Wow, I just did not see it coming. I did not see anything that he put coming. Like seriously, how is this possible to like someone when you barely know them. Its just unexplained feeling. But I had such a lovely time at Sunday. I am actually really glad I have met Him, but why does he has to be so wrong about me. How the fuck he found me amazing, just how. I know how it feels, I know how horrible I am to Him.

And them Him, the hopeless case, Im not even going to start this one because it is the same shit all over again. Hi, I am absolutely worthless and do not worry about me. *sigh* fuck. this is ridiculous.

I admit it, I never felt so much before and I am suffocating, everything I think/do seems approximately always wrong. I hate this situation, I hate this conspiracy, I hate this place, I hate myself for what I am doing, I hate the absolute absence of my friends. I can not make my own decisions, I really on them too much. I bet they would know what to do.

To conclude, same as few posts ago I AM SICK AND TIRED OF MY OWN FEELINGS.

Its 6:27am, I might finally move from this ugly green chair.