She has no place in paradise 

I even dont know why I decided to add something here. My mind is just about to be done. This feeling of emptiness is weird but very well known to me for such a long time. I thought I am getting better. Thought that I found my little place to be and my little purpose. Loving my job, loving few people that are always next to me. But I will never forget those feelings, never remember how stupid my life has been. The desire of getting even more far away, desire just to disappear and let the others enjoy their lives. Have so many opportunities, but it feels like I am tangled in some kind of web of the past. I always thought the future will be excellent and that I can do so much to change peoples lives. But how can I do it if I cannot even manage with my own thoughts? I dont even know what I want to archive from writing here. I know there is no one and nothing there. Just wish to have my own angel who could at least understand what I mean. Help me to clear and tidy up my mind so I can do and give as much as I can to people. Feels like time is going very slow but at the same time, inside it feels like I am getting very old and sick. I am tired of losing you all, my past best-friends. I wish I could get the time back and be a better person to support you and never let you go. But then I also hope that the past-you will understand that we are all imperfections, we learn, we change. I miss being a child who can become whoever it wants, who can make mistakes, not being judged, be so positive and enjoy life with no regrets. I miss the times when I could have fun, be myself, be valued. I miss not having all of this in my mind, all of the experiences... Once I wish to be dead already, once I beg for more time. Sometimes I want to be alone, another time I would love somebody to save me. I am very lost. In this world, within myself.