whenwecouldbe

The spring is here. It hit me with a blast of dense air, full of hormones, pollen and sugar. Im choking, I feel the little crystals and petals cutting my lungs from inside, but I want more and more, I love this smell, this taste of a total, emotional disaster. Im wake up and I miss you. Im wake up and Im in pain. Im wake up so in love. I wake up so helpless. I spent my days on trying not to burst into tears and sometimes I fail, crying like a baby, being the one that never cries. I honestly dont remember crying this much ever in my life, but Im just way too exhausted to keep my face straight. Its impossible. Something that seemed so sure, clear, certain, so right, all of the sudden becomes unachievable. That was the very last chance, the very last moment when I could be saved. Now Im all doomed, all forsaken, all cursed and condemned to oblivion. Im going to drown in alcohol and arms of strangers, Im going to disappear in the night and sleep all day, Im going to run and run till my heart blows up.  I just need a talk, a look in your eyes, few words, your voice, your smell. I just need to tell you everything, cuz Im so sorry and so guilty. I feel an urge to explain myself to you and maybe to myself. I think you need to know, when someone loves you. You have to know. Not to be stressed and overwhelmed by it, but just to know youre safe. I want to give you everything that I ever wanted, that feeling of peace and safety, knowing that no matter what happens, somebodys on your side, somebody will always think your eyes are the prettiest, somebody will always stroke your cheek. I wish I stood a chance against the time, your plans, your ideas and ambitions but Im far behind, waiting, staring, missing you to death. My love is timeless, I dont really need your time, I just need you to know, to accept, to understand and if theres any chance you may have felt the same little pain in your heart as I have, I will never let you go. Youve no idea what youre chasing. Youre not chasing your dreams, youre chasing a monster, thats going to devour your youth, strength,your power. I see your eyes only. What do you see?