sentimental

My sadness is like a chewing gum. Used, pink, pale and neverending. I have its fake sugary taste in my mouth and I can't get rid of it. I can't cut myself out of it. I can't break up with it. I can't escape it. I need more data to finish that procedure in my brain. I need to fill up empty spaces in my head cuz nothing makes sense like this. I need to know why. The worst truth is better than silence. Silence is killing you, making you wait, making you supersensitive cuz you want to hear every whisper, even a barely hearable sound that could guide you through the unknown. I'm left in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of something that seemed just right and turned out to be another trap, with no explenation. Did I deserve it? Could I stop it? What is IT? All I have left is questioning myself, blaming my every move and word, trying to figure it out by myself, putting myself as the reason and the result, the winner and the looser. That's not enough. I need release. I need a permission to let go. I need to draw a very thick line right here and never look back. But my neck is broken and my blood shot eyes are way too tired. I wish there was someone who knows me. Someone that I wouldn't have to explain all of this to. Someone who would just say, oh Lionheart, you and your endless emotional mess what did you do Princess and why you're crying sparkles insted of tears, oh, you little, angry invincible thing, again? I need a superhero, someone who would do more than just hope that people who did me wrong have troubles sleeping at night. I need one to pull me out of it, cuz my head is taking me places I don't wanna go. The sadness gets deeper, the questions get harder, the reality gets less and less logic, till it looses any sense that I ever comprehended and I find myself all forsaken. I shouldn't be questioning myself this way anymore, I shouldn't get back to where I started, to hating mysef. Even if thousand men will let me down like this, and throw me out like trash, ignore me like polluted air I don't think any of them would ever guess what I am really capable of. Cuz have you ever thought, if my love is so strong, how it looks like when I start to hate?