over and over

Hi 

I decided, that I will be writing in English.
Maybe other languages one day? Who knows.

I "am" on a "diet" since...2013 ?
I was working out and dieting hard for a few months in 2013.
I lost weight and I was happy with myself. I was confident with my body and in my own body.
Then I started University.
I had my ups and downs.

Now, since June 2015 , I have my down.
I gained a lot of weight. I mean. A LOT.
And i know it. I have many fresh strech marks,which I hate.

I tried to do something with that. I had been working out sometimes, didn't eat sweets blabla.
And maybe I've lost some weight. Like kilo or two.
But not actual weight is important to me.

What is important to me, is how feel about myself.
How I feel looking in the mirror.
Are my clothes fit me? Do I have big cellulite?
Am I confident with myself? 
Do I feel shy to talk to a guy?

I am working on "love yourself no matter how you look" stuff.
But it's hard.
Especially having granny like mine.
I love her very very much, but she is obsessed about me being 'NOT FAT'.
I see her pretty often and always, I mean always, she has something to say about me.
"How much weight did you lost?" "What do you do to lost weight?"  "You can't be that fat" "You look like a monster"  "Fat people are ugly"   Stuff like that....

I know that sound horrible. But she is a lovely person and I know that she want what's the best for me.
And she thinks, that she will motivate me with her words.
Well... It's not working. 

I've been working out and dieting since Feburary 16' to May 16's.
I've lost some weight. SOME.  
I felt better about myself.
But then the finals came out, I didn't have time or power to work out.

I told myself that I will come back to my routine.
But I didn't. And now it's Agust.

I LOVE chocolate. I can eat A LOT of chocolate and never stop.
I hate working out. 

But I'm disciplined. I try. Sometimes my hardest. But I am also VERY LAZY.
OMG  I am sooo lazyyyy. 

I've tried Jogging a few times. But it's not my thing.
I decided that I will try this one more time.

I bought shoes destined for jogging / running etc.
I always had a problem with weird pain after running, maybe because of wrong shoes.

I found a programme for begginers "how to start running and eventually run whole 60 min without a stop".
Today I started week 1.  One minute of quick walk / one minute of jogg. Repeat 7 times. => 14 minutes.

I have to say - I lost my physical condition. Two months without working out, eating whatever I want and here I am. Dying after a little run for begginers. After 7-8 minutes of jogg. Meh..
But I'm not giving up. In two days I will do this again. And one more time.

And next week - next week of this programme.

I can to this!  
I will be happy with myself!
I will be proud.
I will fit wth all of my clothes!